The long awaited Latest edition of the Darwin "Natural Selection"
Awards-Criminal Category have been released!
These awards are given each year to bestow upon that individual, who
through isolation by incarceration, has done the most to remove
undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
RUNNER-UP # 9 Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step
son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug
dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.
RUNNER-UP # 8 Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store
with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the
cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in
the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are
over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it
to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his
drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the
scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The
cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the
robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours
later.
RUNNER-UP # 7 A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that
there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the
phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the
newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief
was arrested.
RUNNER-UP # 6 San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and
might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the
Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few
minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it
and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest
light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note
because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells
Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
RUNNER-UP # 5 From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an
automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed
his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo
of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph
of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police
that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent
the money for the fine.
RUNNER-UP # 4 Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in
March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant.
The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in
Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher,
who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it
over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine
in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to
compose himself.
RUNNER-UP # 3 Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed
robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer.
Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair
job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was
the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I
should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then
quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20
minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
RUNNER-UP # 2 Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers
who were showing their squad car computer felon- location equipment to
children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked,
the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers
license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they
arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was
wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
RUNNER-UP # 1 Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a
record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody
move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
THE WINNER A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very
expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a
month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having
made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim
against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars
were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to
pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the
normal fashion. The man sued.... and won. In delivering the ruling the
judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the
man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against
fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and
was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly
appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man
$15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed
the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson.
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his
insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
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A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find
their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and
sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the
bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a
husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and
I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in
karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is
blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your
right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think
about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to
explain it five times."
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar
in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes,
when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says:
"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, As*****.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a
person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you
and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes
but women at large ... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up,
"You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your
knee!"
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Do you keep falling asleep in staff meetings?
What about those long and boring conference calls?
Here's a way to change all of that:
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call,
prepare your "Bullshit Bingo" card by drawing a square -- I find that
5" x 5" is a good size -- and dividing it into columns --five across and
five down. That will give you 25 1-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
*synergy*
*strategic fit*
*core competencies*
*out of the box*
*bottom line*
*revisit*
*take that off-line*
*24/7*
*out of the loop*
*benchmark*
*value-added*
*proactive*
*win-win*
*think outside the box*
*fast track*
*result-driven*
*empower (or empowerment)*
*knowledge base*
*at the end of the day*
*touch base*
*mindset*
*client focus(ed)*
*ballpark*
*game plan*
*leverage*
*cascade
*sequential or sequentially
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally,
stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"
Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:
"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."
- Jack W., Boston
"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."
- David D., Florida
"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."
- Bill R., New York City
"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of
us waited for the fifth box."
- Ben G., Denver
"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed "BULLSHIT!"
for the third time in two hours."
- Harry A, Chantilly
"Thanks Bingo creator for thinking outside the box and proactively creating
this valueadded knowledgebase that is a strategic fit with my core
competencies and current client focussed mindset. I can leverage our
existing process and exploit the inherent synergies to expand the
knowledgebase to cater to our result driven folks who will work 24/7 to put
it on a fasttrack. This cascading gameplan is what I call a truly win-win
situation."
- Swami S, Sunnyvale,CA
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This comes from a Catholic elementary school.
Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have
not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has remained.)
1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the
animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.
6. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread without any ingredients.
7. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
8. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
9. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
10. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.
11. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
12. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and
700 porcupines.
13. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.
14. When the three wise guys from the east side
arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
15. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
16. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by
sweat alone."
17. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get
the tombstone off the entrance.
18. The people who followed the lord were called the
12 decibels.
19. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
20. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also ataximan.
21. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage.
22. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
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If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is Interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your systems gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
till your icons in the windows are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet the suckers gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
And the macrocode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
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A fierce tribe captured a Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker. The
chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught
you, we're going to kill you and then use your skins to build a canoe. The
good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison.
The Frenchman says, "Vive La France", drinks it down and dies.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a
pistol. The Englishman points it at his head, says "God Save The Queen,"
and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs
and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing
himself until he was a bloody mess.
The chief is horrified, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your f****** canoe,
as*****."
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New Math Made Easy
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MOTHS
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him A
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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Give 103%
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If: letters in the alphabet were assigned numbers (expressing %)in sequence:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
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An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association
in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female
names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she."
One of the students raised her hand and asked,
"What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class
into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide
if a computer should be masculine or feminine.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women concluded the computers should be referred to as masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but
half the time, they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize if you had waited a little
longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided the computers should definitely
be referred to as feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
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I know some kids who might find these objectionable...
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with. Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then. --Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married. --Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough. --Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns. --Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. --Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that. --Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and
have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
out. --Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8
"And the #1 Favorite is........"
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck. --Ricky, age 10
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- Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
- Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
- Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
- Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
- Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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check it out these are actual cases.
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was
dressed in a full wet suit, complete with sc
uba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive
internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.
Investigators then set about to determine how a
fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the
coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control
the fire as quickly as possible, had called in
a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the
ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute
our diver was making like Flipper in the
Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300
feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
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Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the
kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into
gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars
, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an
ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly
large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and
escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the
motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled
gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them
into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the
bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette w
hile attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between
his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown
away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin,
she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was
dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked
the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the
husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in
Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved
animals were being released back into the
wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.
-------------------------------------
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,
almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt h
im away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.
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STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to
a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose
and escaped through a broken fence, st
ampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
-------------------------------
What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It
came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb,
he opened it and was blown to bits. There
now, feeling better?
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An employee comes into her manager?s office to take a day off from work.
The manager replies, So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what
you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week,
leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day
away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year,
leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.
This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available
for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
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Humor Collection and Free Jokes - a collection.